The Only Way Is Up...Baby, It's You And Me Now!!

This morning I officially hit rock bottom, I don't think it is physically possible to get any lower than I was when I woke up. I'll be honest (as that is what my blog is all about) I googled how many paracetamol it would take to OD. Before anyone panics, I did not even take 1, but the thought was there and that's when I knew I can't feel any worse.

It all started last night, I went to bed as normal and then for some reason it hit me. There was a HUGE void in my life, my heart ached and I cried. I carried on crying to the point where I could hardly breathe. I debated calling an ambulance but then thought how stupid it would look if I couldn't breathe because I got myself so upset. I went in to look at my baby boy at tucked him in, gave him a kiss then went outside for a cigarette. I went back to bed and must have cried myself to sleep. It's not that I even wanted to get back with Adam (I don't), it has just left a big hole where Adam was.

I woke up after having a dream about Adam and I getting back together, but in secret. It was an affair behind his girlfriend's back but I couldn't go through with it as I knew he had "been somewhere else" if you get my drift? The void in my heart started to make itself known again and I cried, cried until I couldn't cry anymore. That's when I googled paracetamol, apparently it only takes as little as 20...which is actually slightly worrying as you can buy about 50 from Tesco in one go. I then realised how stupid and selfish such a thought is and can't believe I even looked it up. How could I leave my little man? He is my world and I need to be here for the good, the bad and the god damn ungly.

Thankfully I was busy today, going to my friend's boys birthday party in Birmingham. It meant I could spend the day out of my house and enjoy some time with a good friend and James enjoyed all the other kids too. Seeing Roz makes me realise again how stupid I was. This woman has battled 2 lots of cancer and won, and she hasn't even got to 30 yet. If she can hang on going through that kind of shit, then why should I give up so easily?

Fuck Adam, fuck his new gilfriend and fuck his new life. I am an amazing, strong woman and I will be the one better off in the end. It may take me some time, but I will get there. The only way is up, and I am on my way - day by day.