Why Does Just The Mention Of Her Put Me On A Downer?

I was feeling OK today until Adam dropped James off. He stayed for about half an hour (which is not  a problem). We were talking as civilised human beings and then her name came into it....

We were talking about the holiday and then I asked him to have our dog, Storm, whilst I was away. He replied he would let his friend look after him as he probably won't be at home anyway. Stupidly, I asked why. He said "i'll probably be staying at Chells" ... oh ok, fair enough.

I then asked if he had met her child yet (as he would obviously see him if he stays for a week!), he said no but it won't be long as they have been together for 4 weeks now. Funny that, we only split up 3 ago... He asked if I would be bothered if she met James, I said yes as it's far too soon. He defended himself but I said that 4 weeks is still too early and I don't want him to meet her. I told him if I ever found out that she had met him before Adam spoke to me about it, I wold string him up by his balls from the ceiling. I think he listened then.

THEN we were talking about money, which is very very tight at the minute, and he said he would only be working 3 days next week as got wednesday off. I asked why, he snapped "because I have" to which I replied "alright, I was only asking!". "Chell's coming back from holiday so I booked the day off" how lovely?!

So anyway, the reason I am writing my blog is because I am feeling down now and the only reason I can think of is because she's been mentioned. I don't care he has moved on anymore, it really doesn't bother me but I don't want to hear about her or their stupid new life together. I also DO NOT want to know he is staying there for a week as then certain images come across my mind and make me sad.

I just want to move on and get on with my own life, maybe that will stop this feeling. I don't even want a boyfriend as such, just some good male company who pays me a little attention. I want that 'honeymoon' feeling again.

The Only Way Is Up...Baby, It's You And Me Now!!

This morning I officially hit rock bottom, I don't think it is physically possible to get any lower than I was when I woke up. I'll be honest (as that is what my blog is all about) I googled how many paracetamol it would take to OD. Before anyone panics, I did not even take 1, but the thought was there and that's when I knew I can't feel any worse.

It all started last night, I went to bed as normal and then for some reason it hit me. There was a HUGE void in my life, my heart ached and I cried. I carried on crying to the point where I could hardly breathe. I debated calling an ambulance but then thought how stupid it would look if I couldn't breathe because I got myself so upset. I went in to look at my baby boy at tucked him in, gave him a kiss then went outside for a cigarette. I went back to bed and must have cried myself to sleep. It's not that I even wanted to get back with Adam (I don't), it has just left a big hole where Adam was.

I woke up after having a dream about Adam and I getting back together, but in secret. It was an affair behind his girlfriend's back but I couldn't go through with it as I knew he had "been somewhere else" if you get my drift? The void in my heart started to make itself known again and I cried, cried until I couldn't cry anymore. That's when I googled paracetamol, apparently it only takes as little as 20...which is actually slightly worrying as you can buy about 50 from Tesco in one go. I then realised how stupid and selfish such a thought is and can't believe I even looked it up. How could I leave my little man? He is my world and I need to be here for the good, the bad and the god damn ungly.

Thankfully I was busy today, going to my friend's boys birthday party in Birmingham. It meant I could spend the day out of my house and enjoy some time with a good friend and James enjoyed all the other kids too. Seeing Roz makes me realise again how stupid I was. This woman has battled 2 lots of cancer and won, and she hasn't even got to 30 yet. If she can hang on going through that kind of shit, then why should I give up so easily?

Fuck Adam, fuck his new gilfriend and fuck his new life. I am an amazing, strong woman and I will be the one better off in the end. It may take me some time, but I will get there. The only way is up, and I am on my way - day by day.

I Am Still An Open Wound But I Will Heal

So this is how my life is going to be from now onwards, a single mum with the love of my life (my son obviously!) and our dog.

I don't need anyone else, I am far more independant than anyone thinks and would be quite happy never to have another relationship. Although that would get rather lonely...

Everyone says there's plenty more fish in the sea and I should get on dating websites and go out and meet people, I am not ready for that yet.

The one thing that does really rack me off is when people call Adam. I know what has happened, I am not stupid. Yes it is his loss and one day he will realise it when it is too late. But please, do not call him and moan about him to me. At the end of the day, I was planning my wedding with this guy, I was planning on spending the rest of my life with my little family and becoming Mrs Ward. I know that he has left me and is now happy with 'her' and good luck to him, she will never give him what I gave him and he will one day realise that.

I am such an open person and believe that everything happens for a reason. Adam and I were obviously not meant to be and I am ok with that.

Please, please, realise that I am still an open wound. Every word said against Adam or about his new..erm... i'll be nice.. 'girlfriend' is like rubbing acid into me. You might as well be pouring vinegar into the deep cuts that I have and rubbing it in. Adam is the only one that does not do this, it hurts to see him but I have to see him as we have a beautiful son together. He never speaks of her, he never talks to me like I have cancer and he just treats me like a normal human being that is going through a rough patch. I wish everyone treated me like this. Just because I am strong on the outside does not mean I am strong on the inside, I am VERY good at putting on a brave face. I don't like to show my true emotions, that's just the way I was built. Slagging her off doesn't make it any easier either, neither does telling me that I am a million times better than her - it just mentions the one thing I don't want to hear about.

Time is the biggest healer apparently and with every waking day it seems to get slightly easier. I will heal and move on in time but please be patient with me, it won't take me 2 weeks to get over what has happened however I will one day get on with my life and become the Rachael we all used to know and love.

I'm Sure Rock Bottom Is Around Here Somewhere...

Recently I have been feeling quite good about things. I know Adam & I will never get back together and I never expected us to. I was taking it day by day and each day seemed to get easier to let go of what I had and enjoy what I still have looking orward to the future.

I felt good until I received a phone call from my boss on Monday (I don't work Mon or Tues) saying he needed to meet with me urgently and it could not wait until later. He came round to my house and as soon as I let him in I could tell something was wrong. Then he handed me a letter stating that I am at 'risk of redundancy'. Fab. So 2 weeks ago I became a single mum and now I'm probably going to be an unemployed single mum. I have a consultation on Friday however, I will find out at the end of July whether I have a job or not. People keep saying "you will be ok, the government will pay your rent etc"... I spent many years moaning about people who sit at home and don't even try to get a job, I don't want to become one if I don't have to. Others say I have been there for 5 years so will get a good pay out, erm... not really no as SRP is 0.5 weeks per year until I was 22 and 1 week per year thereafter, meaning I would be offered an amazing 3.5 weeks pay - that will barely cover my rent, let alone anything else.

Just when you think, maybe it can't get much worse I got a message on facebook from a guy asking about Adam as he is now seeing his ex and was pissed off. Well darling, thanks for dumping Adam in it as I didn't know he was seeing someone else, Adam soon confessed. I felt shit. I still feel shit. But if it took you a whopping 2 weeks to get over me, you obviously weren't worth it anyway.

I thought rock bottom was close by, seems things keep creeping up to remind me I am not that low yet. I just wonder when I am going to get there as I really could do with coming back up soon. I have to take Nytol to sleep at night, I have to take stress tablets to keep anxiety down during the day. At what point can I just get on with MY normal life ?!

The Meaning Of A "Friend"

According to the dictionary a "friend" is a person you know well and regard with affection and trust. Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis.

Now since my break up I have found out what a real "friend" is. I have many acquaintances but not many friends. People I have known for years, have they even bothered to send a text? No. Or even message me over facebook? No. Well they were "friends" worth having!

Worse than the above mentioned so called friends are the ones that get in contact purely for gossip purposes. My business is my f*cking business and if I want someone to know, I will tell them. I hate people saying things like "well such and such told me Adam said this and that, is it true". The you answer them thinking they actally might care, then that answer gets all round Nottingham before you know it! Thanks for that "friend".

I have narrowed it down to about 5 proper friends. These people text or call me at least once a day to see if I'm ok and what I'm upto. Some call a little more (which can get annoying but I am grateful they care). Some I don't speak to as much such as Roz, but I know that if I needed her...she would be there. These are the people, the Friends I need around me right now and although I only have a handful, I am grateful for each and every one of them.

There's A First For Everything

Well, I can honestly say I have never done this before... I have heard good things and bad things about blogging but thought I would try it myself to get me through my hard time.

Firstly, a little about me. My name is Rachael, I am 24 years old and have a beautiful son called James who will be 2 in August. We live in Nottingham with our dog, Storm.

Now, let's get to the point.

I became a single mum on Wednesday. My partner of 3 and a half years decided that I had changed after giving birth to our son and after several arguments, he decided enough was enough. He left on good terms and this is not a blog for me to sit here and slag him off. He was a good dad, it is just a shame our relationship was obviously not strong enough to cope with the strain of a child.

I can't figure out what is worse, becoming a single mum and having ALL the responsibilties or that I was planning our wedding for 30th July 2012 and now have to beg for deposits and any monies paid to be returned. In fact, becoming a single mum is definately worse... although the other is far more embarrassing.

I feel on such an emotional rollercoaster, I have cried about 6 times... but each time will last a matter of seconds before I compose myself. I cannot seem to let myself go and let it all out (which is proably what I need). After 4 and a half years of quitting smoking, I am now back on them again - they seem to take the edge off the pain. Empty is probably the best word to describe me at the moment.

I hope this blogging works and helps me to let out my emotions so I can try and be a good mum without being an emotional wreck. My son needs me and I need him.

I have some good friends around me and I guess that is what is important at the end of the day. So I raise a glass of nice chilled Jacques and say "Cheers, Welcome To Single Motherhood..."